my boyfriend's mom treats him like her husband

You cannot except him to be free anytime soon and if you get mad and push him it will only make it harder for him. He can be a little passive-aggressive, but he is not likely to leave you if he commits to you. I think at that age people should be independent anyway, if you live rent free at your parents place I dont see as a big wrongdoing from them to except services and help around the house. For example, if youre often thinking my boyfriends mom is always calling him or my boyfriends mom is too involved he probably needs to draw a firmer line. 2- You can't expect him to give you his full attention if he has A responsibility to his siblings, That's not fair to anyone involved. Its hard to know the answer here. It doesn't sound like you know this guy well enough, or have spent enough time with his family, to make a fully informed judgement call on that one. His mom probably knows more about his relationships than a romantic partner would like, but if his mom doesn't like the person he loves, he's quick to tell her to back the F up if need be. Nope, instead, he has an intense fear that he will disappoint her, and he tends to sneak around to do what he wants to do, especially if he thinks she won't give the thumbs up. Has it caused arguments? The parent can be emasculating at times and cause the child partner to harbor resentment. If you aren't 100% committed, I would walk away. Why does love so often start out great, only to become a nightmare? Yes, this man will dote on you and spoil you. May 1, 2023, 5:07 am. Im sure it is an incredibly frustrating situation for you. You are so young and don't need to deal with this. I was in a situation almost EXACTLY like this with my ex boyfriend. Sounds like he's obv invested more in his fam (but, moms fault, his too). For all his temper, though, he has an appealing dramatism and emotional component that borders on charisma. He is scared that if he isnt there for her, shell fall apart. But ultimately it boils down to boundaries. RELATED: 4 Ways His Mom Strangely Affects Your Marriage. He loves them when they're behaving as they should and not when they're behaving as they shouldn't. WebIf you answered no, youre 100% acting like his mother and thats why he cant wipe without you telling him to. talk it through with him. You all are a couple. He cant see how weird it is because its just his life to him. You may not be able to get him to establish firmer boundaries, but you can firm up your own. WebAITA for telling my mother that she treats my boyfriend like her husband? did he plan dates and was he reliable about showing up when he said he would? WebIn essence one spouse assumes the parent position while the other spouse assumes the child position. The same thing, she relied on him for emotional support, babysitting his two younger sisters, mowing the lawn and other fatherly duties, even stating some kind of creepy comments about his appearance. Heres how acting like his mother instead of his girlfriend changed everything: It Killed the Romance. And he'll be even more trapped because she will be 15 years older, needing even more help, and have become more helpless in the meantime. I had an ex very similar to how OP describes, for the first year I noticed how close he and his mother were but made excuses for it internally and thought we all managed quite well - I visited her and his sister a bunch of times alone while my ex was deployed and all seemed fine. So if this is a deal breaker for you, you gotta end it. All positives, no? or if you're a selfish girl who is jealous of his reasonable time and attention to his family. Believe it or not, the answer is contained in the relationship you have with yourself. Thats fine, but I dont think I can continue with him as he already has so much responsibility and is almost never free to give me his full attention. It took distancing herself, and accepting the fact that she wasnt supposed to be my mom before she fully got to setting boundaries to my mom who wasnt taking care of me and was expecting her to. Especially if your BF isn't working right now, and she is (that part's unclear from your post). Well he finally did, and cut ties (very long time coming) with her completely. I read a book that talks about this from Steve Harvey. The only way for him to set a boundary at this point is leaving the house so he no longer has to do these things. A lot of families are like this. Mom can't take care of him forever. Time for you to move on since you admittedly can't handle this. This will never stop. This is especially true if youre trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner while dealing with his unhealthy relationship with his mother. I always figure the person writing is going shape the story so they are seen in the best light. or did family things get in the way? Here you'll find all collections you've created before. i (22f) live with my family and boyfriend (22m). He's a hustler and a great businessman but has the bite of a rattlesnake. It will be nothing you can force. Recognize when youre feeling overwhelmed and take breaks from the situation if you need to until you feel better. I feel like the amount of time you spend with your mom impacts our relationship together. Web. views, likes, loves, comments, shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Atty. He cant downsize his mother until he moves out of her house. This happened about 6 months into us dating. 1. Pros and cons. The people I know who were trapped at 22 with families like this still are, and have often lost all their money along the way. Life is different during this pandemic. It's a pity, but yikes to that whole home situation. It stops being anywhere near reasonable when his own brothers are calling him Daddy That is fucked up. WebMy point is, a woman like your boyfriends mother will become very jealous of you. To use social login you have to agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website. And you because you cannot demand full attention of a person, even to your own couple. You have to ask yourself how much this problem has affected you. It's her. Web22. He's likely earning his keep there. Web167 likes, 15 comments - JJ Heller (@jjhellermusic) on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! In fact, many of us are actually self-sabotaging our love lives without realizing it! it's normal to help out with small kids at home, and it's very stressful for caregivers having them 24/7 right now with no school or other activities. Your boyfriend has always been very close to his mom. But that's just my opinion. As far as I can tell, she's a single mom supporting three kids on a business she's running alone. His father left before he hit double digits, and she never married or as much as had another man around since. I'm not sure I fully understand the problem when it comes to your relationship or your role in his life and I'm confused by a lot of these comments in general. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. This past year I've watched as a friend's mom turned on her, threw her out, and decided that she was the cause of all the mom's trouble. I'm free to tell him when I feel like she's crossing a line with him and he doesn't feel attacked or anything, because we're a team and he knows I just want him to be free to be himself, not because I want him for myself. Being able to make sure his siblings have something that he may have not had. He always said she never had a problem with me it was just their culture but eventually it became clear that this wasnt what i wanted. But that was normal for us. They'll say "they're doing their duty as a sibling!!" Its not husband-ey or incestuous at all. Thats just downright weird. So this might be solvable, or it might not. I couldnt imagine a future with him because of his mum because it seemed no matter what I did or what we were doing she was always an issue. You're already feeling neglected, and I've found that when huge issues like this are present this early in a relationship, they simply never go away, regardless of how much things may change in the future. You have a man who is not threatened by women but stimulated by them. Oh honey. He's not their dad. His mother is overly emotional and prone to mood swings. Mentioned above, she tends to come to his own house unannounced, she'll do his laundry, clean the whole house, drop by She texts I know it seems stupid because we were so young but I genuinely wanted a future with him and he wanted the same. Plus I can imagine this is really frustrating for your relationship as well. When your boyfriend and his mother are too dependent on one another, it can become unhealthy. This is the first thing I thought. If he can't see an issue with the way things are with his mom and his brothers, then he's gonna end up a 50-year-old momma's boy bachelor. He can get control by simply saying no to mom. Its all so inappropriate to me but he says its just his life. ask how he feels about it. In that household, he is the husband and father. My cousin, who lived a similar life, got cancer and died in her 40s (before her mom), having never dated, having given all her money to her mother, and having really never even had friends as an adult. She will most likely make up lies or rumors to turn him against you and refocus on her. If you find yourself at your wits end, it may be time to think about walking away. In case OP/anyone else is confused, FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. You might not like my opinion and my language might be a bit strong, but you're being very incosiderate towards him. Unless the current travel distance is too much. that could be your future if you stay in this relationship. Either or, you want to keep that feeling of being neglected? Well be on the phone and he doesnt hear me or just responds oh cool to everything I say. The golden rule when bringing up tricky and confrontational conversations is always to use I feel language. Sometimes our conversations felt really generic or that he was too busy. Then you'll know if he does have any desire to change things. No one has a bad word to say about him. He's gonna wake up when he's 35 and realise he's wasted his youth on his mother - who is his partner, not a parent, at the moment. He taught me to see through the lies we tell ourselves about love and become truly empowered. Youve been thinking to yourself my boyfriend is codependent with his mother. This is emotional incest. And I guarantee the brothers don't call him "daddy" in the way OP would like people to think. He always mentions if it werent for the virus he was suppose to be moved out but even then.. Or baby mom or something? I'm getting some catfishing vibes. It has made me feel emotionally distant at times. WebYour husband may have a close bond with his family and want to please them, make them happy, and show them his life. If the lack of time spent together is a deal breaker for you, then it can be. I love her to death and she is one of my best friends, but she shouldnt have had to feel like she needed to be that for me. That is called contributing since he is a grown man still living at home. I agree. by by Sure he will. The parent partner typically nags, prods, controls, dictates, scolds, and makes most of the decisions. Hes a gem of a person wholl love you more than anyone else. My advice is don't date projects. But then again your boyfriend isnt acting normal either but in a way you you cant blame him when hes been conditioned his whole life like this. It might help you understand why he's put up with her behavior, and give you both some tools at dealing with the situation. I know Im 38 and have my own kids, when my mom is in town she isnt all that concerned if Im on the phone and she wants to tell me something quick. Thats not to say that you cant play an important role in supporting him to make changes. It takes a lot for him to deal with problems head-on, so expect deep conversations and fights to be complicated. May 1, 2023, 8:04 pm, by Maybe there's a deeper reason to why things are how they are but you don't know it cause the only thing that matters to you is that you're not getting the attention. Im in the same boat, but Im older and engaged. Unless you call for hours she should wait till he finishes. It's understandable if he can't right now, but you two need to have a candid discussion about what each of you needs, and are able to provide each other right now. His mother always thinks she knows best is never wrong and never apologizes. If no, then there is nothing you can do, he will have to figure out for himself. He sounds like a really stand up guy; you see the things he's doing as flaws, but I would be so grateful to have a BF who makes that kind of effort to help his family. Its also important to consider whether your boyfriend recognizes the issue. This is definitely the weirdest part, but if you take it away there's still a major problem going on. Tina Fey Recognizing when youre being abused when its the norm for you is so difficult. Withdrawing some of your core wifely characters is a great protest note to let him be aware that he is losing you. If not, I don't think going to the grocery store and helping his single mom out with his two younger brothers is that big of a deal in exchange for a free place to stay. Once youve identified the problems, its time to talk to your boyfriend. Web4.3K views, 34 likes, 0 loves, 4 comments, 6 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Hoa: You, Me & My Ex Seson 2 - Episole 2 - Un-ex-pected News - Full Episole The reason this is to encourage him to make changes is that, as Ive already said, all you can do is support him. No it doesnt. People can surprise you, is all. Every time you pull him away she will find a way to pull him back. What's the backstory? I'd get out now while you can. I went to his house a few times after this, and his mom made a snarky comment about how Im always around whenever he visits home. You don't have to save this relationship, its hard and there are crazy circumstances right now which make it much harder. His problems may be fixable, but that doesn't mean he will fix them or that it's your job to wait around to find out. He saw it as a 'me' problem, she even demanded he leave me and return to her place ON MY 25TH BIRTHDAY. The ramifications can be quite serious as sometimes it can make you feel like you don't have anywhere to go, but then to break up. I feel it makes it worse for him that his siblings are so young as well. He is afraid hell lose her attention or love if he doesnt do what she says. As someone who is the youngest of six who was in a household like this, I 100% agree. It's not healthy no, but what is healthy is that they have such a loving older brother who is really there for them. May 1, 2023, 6:36 am, by And at that age if youre not feeling that way then I think its better for both parties to move on. It was almost impossible for me to get turned on by someone who I had just reprimanded for forgetting to take out the garbage. Long story short, it only got worse and I finally decided to leave him 3 years laterwhile 9 months pregnant. That will make it so difficult. It can be incredibly challenging to change this dynamic though, as it has likely been long ingrained. People are busy and you as his gf know he's very busy trying to be a good brother and a good son (regardless of how shitty his mom is at parenting). If you're considering dating a type like this, here's what I have to offer: Don't do it! Step 3 if he does recognise the dysfunction and want to change things, he's going to have to put up boundaries with his mum. Taking care of younger siblings is a very normal thing when there's that big of an age difference as well (however you may feel about that pressure). For example: Im worried about our relationship because I feel like my happiness and our happiness is put second to your moms., I feel like you have to make a lot of sacrifices to keep your mom happy.. It will not get better. Yes, but it might take his being dumped by a series of girlfriends for him to get it. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. It's the same escenario, a woman taking control of his life and telling him what to do. First things first, its time to figure out how extreme the codependency seems, and how much it impacts his and your life. Read her story again. He is probably worried for what may happen to his brothers if he leaves as well. I'd get out now before you invest any more time into this relationship. Phil | 10K views, 106 likes, 4 loves, 8 comments, 4 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from DrPhil Show 2023: Dr.Phil Show 2023 - Exes at War She probably overheard them say something like "okay Dad" like we say to our friends when they start acting like a parent. No reason to think he will be that way when he moves out and becomes independent. At the heart of it, you're upset that he can't devote much time to you, or give you full attention when you're trying to talk. You said "he doesn't even get to breathe" in response to all things his mom makes him do, and then when he does get a chance to catch a breath, you demand his full attention. Juliana Mei That's not the right approach -- he already has too much of that in his life. My bf was kinda the same and it was a thing I discussed in therapy. WebMy boyfriends bitch mother who is way too involved in his life and way too clingy like a 16-year-old jealous ex-girlfriend. I noticed the red flags very early on like you are and ignored them. Yes, this is about his relationship with his mom. ), and then everything became a competition, which both he and she were fine with me losing. This is super overdramatic, lol. Alright this is a tough situation. WebMother acts like his wife and he gratifies almost every need that I knew about, even though the woman is damn capable of doing it herself. Its like he wants to marry a copy of his own mother. He is generous in spirit and loyal as a puppy, but ultimately his view of you will always be shaped by that seen or unseen force: Mommy dearest. it's not normal that his mom seems helpless and that he carries a lot of the burden of the household. Hes not ready to start even questioning this arrangement yet. What does she think family is for, if not going grocery shopping once a week to lighten the load lol. Honestly at the end of day what matters is that you are both happy in the relationship. If you love him or like him enough that you can envision growing old together etc then you have a long road ahead of you which starts with recognising how wrong the situation in his home is. First sign of my depression was being spacey and distant when holding a conversation, just as you discribed he is when he talks to you. Clifton Kopp You can suggest that he tries to create some clearer boundaries between them. To be fair, if my roommates (people I pay to share a house with) acted like this, I'd laugh and tell em to fuck off. Is there pressure to take care of younger siblings because they lack a mom or dad? We all have very different family dynamics. We went to his house and hung out for a few hours. Maybe he calls her every day and spends time with her whenever he gets the chance. But you can ask him how he plans to balance out his mom/family needs when he is out the house to get a better feel if this is something you want to be a part of. 7 signs youre in a relationship with a genuinely good person, 10 signs youre in a relationship with a trustworthy person, 9 heart-warming habits of couples who stay madly in love, finally offered an actual, practical solution, The power of kindness: 10 habits of genuinely caring individuals, If you exhibit these 10 traits, you have a truly adventurous personality, 11 common words that make you sound less confident (and how to replace them). Meanwhile, his dad and him tried to help her and she refused to speak to them. This girl has said they are only dating through phone calls. So I very much second that he needs to recognise it as a problem, otherwise it will continue how it is and OP will have to be the increasingly accommodating one. We need to face the facts about why we end up with codependent people. There is usually a very strong desire for approval which can then lead to controlling and manipulative behavior. Every ounce of romance was sucked dry from our relationship the second he started treating me like his mom. So many ridiculous referrals to justnoMIL when this girl isnt even physically dating this guy; just talking to him on the phone. Am I overreacting? Here is the best advice I can give you. It isn't the healthiest solution but it was all he could do to get out of that terrible situation, and that only seemed possible because of our relationship. I think if you can't be with someone who is going to be busy and sometimes can't give you their full attention then I suggest that you talk to him about how you feel and that you can't be in that kind of relationship. TL;DR: my relationship (f22) is being ruined by my boyfriends (m22) mom (f46) who is extremely dependent on him for everything, including taking care of his siblings. Mum interrupting calls isn't on but it's (too) common and the rest is just him helping out his single mum who is running a business with two kids at home during a global pandemic. WebThe first thing to remember when your boyfriends mom is interfering with your relationship is that she wont go away. And I dont see it ever progressing to us moving in together. After bringing up the issue to her boyfriend, he started cleaning up after himself. Oh yes. Right now hes just fulfilling his responsibility. Five years ago I wrote letter to my high school self, and ne" JJ Heller on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! If kids were in the plans, you better believe you will be public enemy number one to the new grandma. But thats no ok. How a man treats his mother says a lot about him. By Laura Lifshitz Updated on Feb 16, 2023. So he is trying to get free of his mother and live his own life. He doesn't recognize this as a problem and getting him to acknowledge that it is a problem is going to be difficult. Family is important but they shouldn't be ruining or running your life. She hasnt met the family, interacted with them in any way or even been to the house. She doesnt think he should have to do weekly shopping trips. Putting yourself in the role of "parent" and your partner in the role of "child" is demeaning and can actually be counterproductive. Yeah I think so. Do you feel like you have to sacrifice your happiness to keep his mother happy? It's not normal, but it is common in households without a parent figure for the oldest sibling to step into a parent-like role. The disentanglement there would require tact and likely some degree of willingness and/or acceptance from all parties. WebIf your husband defends his mother over you ensure he doesnt do it in front of her. BF sounds like a responsible dude. Is it not "safe" for him to call or text every day bc he's cheating? Sorry you have to deal with a woman like that. he needs to start standing up to his mom and It means knowing what you will and wont tolerate. Commitment to him probably produces anxiety, so if he's decided to deal with the anxiety and stay with you, you're a keeper to him. May 1, 2023, 3:30 pm, by Before pregnancy we hardly ever heard from his mom- my boyfriend and her barley have a relationship. That will make his options clear to him. I think growing up in abusive households like this where youre raised with the idea that you have no boundaries, it becomes really hard for him to set any now. The 20-year-old, who's dedicated numerous Reddit posts to her boyfriend's mum, described her as a traditional stay at home mom, with the mindset that women take care of their men and do all the housework.'' You are never going to find a person with a perfect situation. Just saying, if he seems worth it, maybe trying to nudge him in the right direction will benefit you both. If you are so upset with his actions then I think you have your answer. She will learn how she should expect to be treated by him. Sometimes the red flags parents see your partner waving may be just that. My psychologist told me that it's normal for people to have certain things unresolved with our parents, like a mother who doesn't know her boundaries and doesn't treat her son as a SON. Eventually the bf displayed extreme bad behavior with drinking and we split up. RELATED: 15 Definitive Signs You're With A Good Man (As Written By One). Okay this is weird. There's a ton of good resources there. Have you actually met this guy in person? There is very little privacy between them. 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